Schommer.Life

New Beginnings

4/28/2024

Death takes you down a dark road, and when you hit the fork, sometimes you stumble the wrong way for a while. Everyone grieves differently, so how do you help those you love through it? Keep being there. Know their feelings are real, valid, and are not always easily understood. Being there helps, and remember, everyone grieves in their way. 

I am a divorced widow. Yup, that’s a thing. Greg and I had a different relationship. We never stopped loving each other, we loved each other a little differently after our divorce. We took pride in raising our kids together and at some point, that became more important than taking care of ourselves. Our kids are the most important, but if you aren’t taking care of yourself and checking in on each other, how are you supposed to care for someone else? We did our best, and I believe we both wish our best was better. Greg loved his children, both of them! He loved his family, both of them! Despite all the love, Greg surrendered to his depression and took his life on February 26^th, 2021.  

I had no idea how to help my kids through the grief. I was afraid to talk about Greg unless they brought him up, and I didn’t want to bring them more pain if they weren’t thinking about him. Both of the kids healed on their own time and continue to heal each day in their ways. I tried my best, but as a parent, I think you always wish you would have done or said things differently. We all did our best. 

Then a ton of bricks hit me, and my depression had me at the throat. I got out of bed to do what I had to, and then I climbed back into bed. I called my sister crying and so angry more times than I know. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, and I recognize when it’s bad. It was bad. I kept thinking about what I could have done differently to save him. To save my children from their pain, and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because he was my ex-husband, people didn’t understand. I needed to make a change to get myself up and moving again. This realization was the beginning of my journey of change. Changes to make things happen. Changes to bring dreams alive. Changes to bring happiness and survival back into light. 

This my friends, was the beginning of new life, a new faith, and a new attitude. I still think about him every day. I still dream about the things I wish were different. I do this now without punishing myself and without anger.

This is the journey that brought us here together. Whatever it may be, whatever you are going through, we are here together. 

You are important. You are loved. Your life matters. 

I started teaching driver’s ed and this brought a lot of joy and purpose to my life, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do forever. I thought about what I wanted my life to be. 

My son went to Full Sail University, and I had my eye on the creative writing program since he started school. I had been thinking about this for a few years, and I finally leaped. I started classes for my BFA in Creative Writing in September 2021, and on December 14^th, 2023, I graduated. December 14^th also happens to be my son’s birthday. If that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. 

I worked hard for this achievement while also working on myself. I began to find inner peace and learned to love myself for the first time in my life. I started to look at how I wanted to live, and what I wanted for myself and for my family. Going back to school, and reaching for the dreams I had since I was a child, has been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I have many ideas and things I want to do, and I hope to bring you with me through the rest of my journey (I plan on it taking many years and enjoying every minute of it). 

During the approximately two years I was going to school, I continued to work full-time, and my youngest daughter was in high school. We were busy! I kept teaching driver’s ed for about a year into classes and then had to drop that to keep up with everything else. I didn’t mind it, and I don’t think I complained much. I stayed on track and only took two months off during the program. I found my love for audiobooks when I didn’t have time to read for pleasure and now, I listen to the radio in the car on the rare occasion. I got back into the Secret and reminding myself to be grateful instead of bitter and jealous. Jealousy will not get you anywhere and being bitter doesn’t give you answers.  It didn’t happen overnight, but little by little, day by day, I found more happiness and joy in life. I started to become more active, and in April of 2023 I started to run, or well jog… 

I could only jog for 30-seconds in the beginning. 30-second jog, 1-minute walk, repeat. 30 second jog, 1-minute walk until I gradually made it one mile. Then two miles, and you got it, I was running a 5k three times a week! It was slow, but I didn’t care. Being able to do this meant I could do anything I set my mind to. 

I am not sharing to brag. I do not disregard how difficult change can be. I know how powerful depression is. I am here sharing because if one person reads this and feels empowered to change, I have met my goal. I’m here to be understood, to be heard, to share my lived experience, and bring hope and change to others. 

Xoxo Schommer.life

**If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. Please reach out to 988 the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Call or text 988 24/7 to talk to free and confidential support for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts, mental health, and /or substance use crisis.